I am Joe’s heart

Since Joe was inside his mother’s womb, I have been pumping blood all over his body. Through his childhood, puberty and adulthood, I have grown with Joe. I felt his passion for the arts, his hunger for knowledge, and his devotion to his loved ones. But there’s something peculiar about Joe, about me. Whenever Joe would look at another man, I would skip a beat. Joe and I find their bodies sexy. We were drawn to them like a magnet. Later on I realized that I beat not for women but for men. I’m attracted to another man’s heart. And through time, I didn’t find it peculiar anymore. I am Joe’s gay heart.

I am Joe’ active heart. I usually beat fast when Joe goes to the gym, when he’s climbing walls at the local climbing center, or when he has to meet a deadline at work. But something is different, something delightful is happening within Joe right now. All of this started when Joe met Jack.

I was beating normally, well more normal than usual since Joe was drinking coffee in a café while writing in his notebook. I was trying to cope with the amount of caffeine and nicotine Joe was consuming when suddenly, I began to beat faster. I tried to make sense of it by asking Brain what is happening. Brain told me that Eyes saw a man looking at Joe. At first, according to the news of Brain (he’s somewhat of a gossip) that the man was glancing at Joe furtively. Then, as reported by Eyes, the man smiled at Joe. It was about the same time that I began to palpitate. I thought it was the combined effects of cigarettes and coffee. But then, other chemicals were flooding Joe’s system. Brain told me that endorphins and adrenaline were being released in huge amounts. Electrical bursts in Joe’s synapses are going off like fireworks. Then, I began to beat at a faster pace. I was feeling anxious and excited. It was at the exact time when the man Joe was looking at approached our table and introduced himself. Ears told Brain who told me that the man’s name was Jack. Eyes said that Jack was very attractive, exactly the type that Joe dreams of during REM stage. Nose said that Jack smelled really nice. Nose doesn’t have a wide vocabulary but we still love him. Ears was in full attention, listening to the voice of Jack. The information Ears received was immediately transmitted to Brain. And Brain, the over-thinker that he is, began to match the information with the data of Joe’s ideal man. A perfect match. I told Brain, Eyes, Ears, and Nose to maintain a low profile and be cautious. We’ve been here before. Joe can’t take another beating. I can only be broken so many times. But Brain was insistent. He was all over the place. He told Lungs the news and Lungs, for his part, had to control Joe’s breathing. Joe’s groin area was a different story. They were all abuzz about the news, surely brought about by Brain’s instigation. But I told them, keep it down. This has happened before; the initial excitement of meeting someone new always registers this effect on Joe. But in the end, it is I who will Joe ask for answers. I am Joe’s cautious heart.

I am Joe’s beating heart. I’ve been skipping a beat, so to speak, after Joe met Jack. They’ve been seeing each other for quite some time now. Eyes is all over Jack: his face, his hands, his lips. Eyes can’t even focus on the movies Joe and Jack watched. Ears was more attentive than usual, clinging on every word of Jack. Ears was making sure that he heard everything correctly because, by now, Brain was asking for a detailed report every minute. Brain tends to over analyze everything. Brain thinks too much. He interprets Jack’s words, every syllable, even the way it was said and the tones used. A simple phrase such as, “Do you want to go now”, has numerous interpretations: “is he bored, does he want to go without me, should I say I still want to talk to him.” Poor Brain, he’s been working overtime since Joe met Jack. Brain has replayed all of the dates of Joe with Jack. Every time, he would focus on a single moment: a touch, a smile, a nod, and come up with a thousand interpretations. But I kept telling everyone, especially brain, to slow down. I have to be sure. I have to be certain about what Joe feels about Jack, what I feel about Jack’s heart. I am Joe’s doubtful heart.

I am Joe’s guarded heart. Through the years, I have been broken many times. Joe loved all of them. I loved all of them. Every time I feel a connection, I would speak to the heart of Joe’s current object of affection. All of them told me that they love me, they love Joe. That Joe, I, was the one they’ve been looking for. I am flattered, of course. All of them promised the moon and the stars. Most of them kept with my pace. Some of them even made me quiver by quoting Neruda. But all of them said goodbye to me, to Joe. Joe couldn’t understand. Brain tried to theorize every break-up. But Brain couldn’t give Joe answers. Joe would always end up with questions for me. I cannot answer him because I am broken. After each break up, I would build a wall around me. Every time that I would be broken, another brick would be laid and cemented. When Joe asks if I could still love again, I would tell him to give me some time to rest. Eventually, I would tell Joe to be hopeful for love would find us inevitably. But I am scared. What’s the point of finding love if I would still end up broken? I am Joe’s jaded heart.

I am Joe’s feeling heart. You’d think Joe only listens to Brain. As Joe learned from the past, love is truly an affair of the heart. This is my domain, my area of expertise. Joe asked me a lot of questions about Jack. He kept nagging me about how I feel about Jack. I’d tell him that I’ve built a wall around me to protect myself from being broken again. But the truth always escapes me. I had to be honest with Joe. “Jack’s the one, Joe.” I’d say. I’ve spoken to Jack’s heart and we are in agreement. Jack’s heart is in love. Jack is in love with Joe. And I told Joe, affirming Brain’s proposition that Joe was in love with Jack. I am Joe’s loved heart.

I am Joe’s bleeding heart. Last night I felt a knife pierce through me. I tried to do my usual work, pretend that everything is as it should be. I kept telling myself that if I just wait and patiently count the hours, I would feel Jack’s beating heart again. But Eyes has been crying since last night. Ears are deafened by the silence in Joe’s room. Hands long to touch Jack’s Hands. But Jack was nowhere to be found. Brain has replayed the scene over and over. Like watching a big T.V. screen, all of Joe’s organs, the entire body of Joe, recalled what happened. Jack broke up with Joe. Jack said it wasn’t working out and that he met someone else. Mouth had no words to tell Jack that he’s making a mistake. Lips were shut tight while Eyes fought back the tears. But the heaviest of burdens was pressed against me last night. I was feeling Joe’s pain. Brain’s questions are now my questions: why, what happened, what went wrong, am I not enough. And I listened. I asked. I pleaded for Jack’s heart to respond. But Jack’s heart was silent. Jack’s heart was afraid that he was making a mistake, a huge mistake. Jack’s heart was terrified of my honesty, my commitment, and my love. Jack’s heart cannot fathom the depths of my love for him. So he withdrew. He kept his distance. He remained quiet. In his silence, we both knew the truth. Jack didn’t meet anyone new. Jack wasn’t seeing another guy. Jack’s heart was afraid. Afraid of what I was prepared to give: a love with no conditions, no doubts, and no questions. I was willing to compromise, to overlook Jack’s shortcomings. I love him despite his weaknesses, his faults, his frailties. It was too much for Jack’s heart to take.

I am Joe’s broken heart.