Out again

I came out of the closet on the last semester of my senior year in UP. After that, most of my friends and the people I work with are, more or less, aware of my gender and have accepted it more as a statement of fact rather than a malleable supposition. This has been the case in the past six years until last week.

During registration, a very good friend, who’s preparing for the bar right now, assisted me. While waiting in line, we talked about the law, law school, politics, God, life, and love. And sex, of course. It was during that time that I noticed several students of the college who were, more or less, bona fide members of the federation. So I asked my friend, “are there ‘out and out’ gays here?” “Of course!” she replied. “I see. I thought I would be the first openly gay lawyer who graduated from this institution” I retorted. To which she replied, “sorry to burst your bubble but many have gone before you”.

The first day of class was uneventful. All of us were eager to get the readings and case lists from our professors. All of us wanted to get ahead so as not to lag behind during recitation. While all of these things were going on, I scanned the room for other “sisters”. There are three to four of us, give or take. Some, I’m not quite sure yet. Others, obviously gay. But no one admitted nor volunteered the information. Even the lone lesbian in the class.

I never thought that I would feel this way. My first day at law school made me cautious of how I act and speak. I became conscious of my demeanor lest my gayness would come out. On one hand, I felt like weighing my words and actions. I feel like it is not yet time to reveal my sexuality to them. But on the other hand, I want to get the revelation out of the way so that I can sink my teeth into the rigorous study of the law. I feel like my classmates already know but they have enough good sense to ignore it. Hay, what’s a girl to do?

A week ago, I was preparing myself for the kind of questions the professors would ask me. I even thought of the scenario when the professor would categorically ask, “are you gay?” A simple “yes” would be my response. That would surely make the class whisper their confirmations and insults and affirmations. Right now, I couldn’t care less. I have 200 cases to read for this week, I’m about to finish Asimov’s “Prelude to the Foundation”, and I’m going back to the gym next week.

Coming out isn’t as fun as it used to be.