In our defense

I recently read an interview of a very famous hairdresser/make-up artist who used to be gay. But after finding Jesus, he turned away from his homosexual ways. He admits, though, that he still gets tempted, finding men still very attractive. But the Lord, the Universe, or some unknown force that has unraveled its majestic splendor and power, always finds a way to “deliver him from sin”. As I take a drag from my cigarette (luckily I bought a pack before going home), I pondered on what he said. I didn’t feel outraged, that would be too fundamentalist of me a la Tamil Tigers. Had I been younger, I would have raised hell and ranted about it to my officemates the next day (captured audience for my sanctimonious musings about being gay). Had I been a bit more cynical, I would have agreed with him and rushed to the nearest church, confess my sins, and embrace the normal, straighter life (which is too boring for my taste, perish the thought). But my youth has caused me much to lean on it for understanding. And cynicism is a complete waste of my time. Life is too short to spend on time that has gone by and thinking that the only by-product of time is a jaded heart. However, I cannot sit idly by and settle comfortably being mediocre. Indifference is an allergy much too often welcomed by many but later on develops into a very nasty rash. (Very bad for the skin)

So, I find myself writing a treatise, a discourse of sorts on defending the federation. The make-up artist, together with some of his contemporaries, who, after finding God, Buddha, or reading a book about the practice of mystical Judaism known as Kabbalah, have turned their backs on being gay. Their lifestyle before advocated the beauty, flamboyance and inherent right of every man and woman to revel in their homosexuality. But now, sadly, being gay has become a sin in their eyes. And what is the basis of this realization? The Bible, what else. The book of truth containing the words of God. Images of homosexuals cavorting with each other in Sodom before it was blown into smithereens with an antimatter bomb (yes, I’ve read “Angels and Demons” by Dan Brown, simply unputdownable) come to mind. We are reminded of certain passages that condemn homosexual acts, such as St. Paul’s letter to the Corinthians putting us in league with thieves, robbers, murderers, and adulterers (but in retrospect, with the rising power of the Pink Peso, we have become the target of thieves, robbers and even murderers. I will discuss adultery in another article)

The Bible, its teachings and verses, is clear on the matter. Vatican II extends the argument further: condemn the act (no matter how intimate it may be) but forgive the sinner (the brainless homosexual blinded by his or her carnal desire to copulate with the same sex). Pity the homosexual who acts on his or her nature, for surely their souls will burn in hell (similar to the sulphur-spewn hell of the movie “Constantine”)

But then, I wonder, is God that small, that narrow-minded? Would a loving, benevolent God create such beautiful, fashionably enlightened, articulate and witty beings and condemn them to the eternal fires of hell? Such a conception of God, or Goddess, is like attempting to contain the Pacific Ocean in a test tube. I’m not saying that homosexuals, who miraculously found God after singing a couple of halleluiahs and praying the rosary, are extremely narrow-minded. I am sincerely happy that they’ve discovered God’s grace in this lifetime. What I find cumbersome is the arrogant certainty with which God is confined in a small box. That God has already declared an all out war against homosexuals. Bayots beware!

As I write these words, I am reminded of a book that I’ve read years ago. Its unconventional packaging added grace and class to its core message. Most of us, I hope by now, are familiar with the book “Letters from the Closet.” It is a collection of postcards, journal entries, and letters between a closet gay priest, his ex-girlfriend who turned out to be a lesbian, and his mother. The exchanges revealed the struggles of a gay man as he tried to reconcile his homosexuality with his family, his friend, and God. As I recall the liberating message of the book, I am reminded of Ruth’s unyielding love for Naomi. I am reminded of Jonathan’s unconditional love for David. I recall a passage written by St. John, “Remember that the world hated Me before you”. I am reminded of God as a jar maker and us being his masterpieces. One being different from the other. One neither less nor greater than the other. As His, or Her, creations, we have our individual paths and purposes in this life. I am created this way, who am I to question the design of my creator. God is so much bigger than our intellect, world constructs, and conceptions of what is right and what is wrong. “God is so much bigger than our attempts to confine him.” God will understand.

I don’t go to church regularly but I abide by God’s law: love one another. Everyday, I try to live a life that would please God. I transcend my homosexuality and live up to the honor of being a child of God. Does loving another gay man make me less qualified to be God’s child? Does having a loving and nurturing relationship with another man assure me of a one-way ticket to hell? God is so much bigger than this. God understands.

For a split-second, I feel sorry for gay men who successfully rationalized their denial of homosexuality based on an epiphany of God. But, like I said, only for a split-second. What I feel for them is happiness for they have found God’s “sacred delight” (read Max Lucado’s “Applause of Heaven”, though he does not approve of homosexuality. Nor does C. S. Lewis in “Mere Christianity”) I cannot rob them of this profound discovery nor judge them as denying their true nature. Only God is in a position to judge all of us. What I want to say, however, is this: Cottlestone Pie. This is my Inner Nature. (“Tao of Pooh” is a great read but I’m still struggling with its application in good governance).

As a gay man living in these modern times, I have, through God’s grace, reconciled with my homosexuality. I am attracted to other men. I want to explore a romantic relationship with another gay man. And if, God willing, I meet my match, I would love and cherish him till the Angel of Death takes the last breath in my body. So that when I appear before God and He, or She, asks me what I have done in this lifetime, I will humbly say, “I am your child who tried to live my faith. I was a good son to my parents, an understanding brother to my siblings, a loyal friend, and a good citizen who served my country. I loved one man in my life with all my heart. And now he is crying because he has yet to understand why you took me away from him. I just wish he’s not bawling his eyes out and crying like a drama queen.” If God asks, “You’re gay?” “You made me this way”, I would respond. If God shakes his head and says, “Gay? I did not create you as such. Homosexuals are forbidden to enter heaven. Helping AIDS victims in third world countries and adopting stray cats cannot serve as your pass in Heaven. Too bad, you’re going to receive a post-humus Nobel Peace Prize for serving the people.” “I won a Nobel Peace Prize?” I’d ask. “Yes. And your gay lover would receive it in your behalf. Don’t worry, you’ll see him in hell after six months.” (God, indeed, has a sense of humor. That I know for a fact) Sadly then, I would bow my head and slowly descend to hell where the party is just getting started.

But, if God smiles and says, “Well done My son. I have prepared a two-story town house for you with a view and a coffee shop nearby where you can write.” I would sing the loudest halleluiah and wave the trademark rainbow flag as I saunter into the pearly gates of heaven.

I have a hunch, though. By the time I die and slowly ascend towards the pearly white gates for judgment, I’ll see the trademark rainbow flag waving proudly beside St. Peter. But seeing the old man wearing a shirt with the imprint, “We’re queer, we’re here, get used to it” would be a stretch. One could only hope.