Yearning

I’ve often wondered if you find the time to think of me. I ask the question because I find myself not finding a day that I don’t think of you.

We haven’t met. We haven’t seen each other’s face. The words that left your mouth have yet to reach my ears. My gaze has yet to caress your face. The distance of time and space between us, however, has not broken the beating of our hearts. I know that my heart beats for you. And yours for mine.

I proclaim to the world that I’m juggling work, law school, and other productive endeavours that a responsible citizen of this country should be engaged in. And yet, I secretly yearn that you are on your way to me. I take comfort in the fact that you secretly yearn for me as well, hoping that I wouldn’t take too much time before I get to you.

I want you to want to know everything about me. I want you to be strong enough to deal with my honesty. I don’t want to engage in a pissing contest with you. I am not afraid to be weak when I open my mouth to speak. And when I try to be the best, I can still be a little less. I want you to pursue me. I want us to dance.

I am the emotional platform that you can dive from. I can shut the world out and make us the center of the universe. Whisper your fears and I shall shield you from them. Tell me your problems; I will carry the weight with you. Your dreams will be my dreams. Your failures, my hurts. Your triumphs, my joy.

But it seems hopeless. You are taking too long. I feel unsettled, perturbed, the very foundation of my being shaken by this imaginary absence. Your absence. A gaping hole in my entirety.

I go out regularly, meet other men, have beer with them, hoping that one of them maybe you. I fancy them. They fancy me. But it’s always the same. “You’re extremely smart. You’d make a good friend. Can I be your friend?” I have enough friends already.

Intense, that’s how they describe me.

And you are my match.

And you will come to end this need.

Soon, hopefully.

Plea from my heart to you

I’m not going down on my knees
Begging you to adore me
Can’t you see it’s misery
And torture for me

When I’m missunderstood
Try as hard as you can
I’ve tried as hard I could
To make you see
How important it is for me

Here is a plea
From my heart to you
Nobody knows me
As well as you do
You know how hard it is for me
To shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue in situations like these

Some people have to be
Permanently together
Lovers devoted to each other forever
Now I’ve got things to do
And I’ve said before
That I know you have too
When I’m not there
In spirit I’ll be there

Here is a plea
From my heart to you
Nobody knows me
As well as you do
You know how hard it is for me
To shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue in situations like these

Here is a plea
From my heart to you
Nobody knows me
As well as you do
You know how hard it is for me
To shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue in situations like these

Hooverphonic version of "Shake the disease" by Depeche Mode

Long live trip hop!

Ugly Duckling

I learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear skinned smiles
Who married young and then retired

The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth

And those of us with ravaged faces
Lacking in the social graces
Desperately remained at home
Inventing lovers on the phone

Who called to say come dance with me
And murmured vague obscenities
It isn't all it seems
At seventeen

To those of us who know the pain
Of valentines that never came
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball

It was long ago and far away
The world was younger than today
And dreams were all they gave for free
To ugly duckling girls like me

We all play the game and when we dare
To cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting other lives unknown
That call and say, come dance with me
And murmur vague obscenities
At ugly girls like me
At seventeen

("At Seventeen" by Janis Ian)