Still alive

It's almost a year since I last wrote anything in my blog.

In a nutshell, I went through my first year of law school (which is utter hell saved only by the drinking sessions with my classmates), fell in love (we're going to celebrate our first anniversary tomorrow), got arrested (actually I voluntarily surrendered), took a leave-of-absence from law school to finish my masters degree (which is 8 years in the making), and trying to juggle two jobs in order to have enough money to fix my delapidated pick up and buy for myself the latest iMac.

I have so many ideas running in my head but that hellhole known as law school clipped my wings for a whole year.

But now I'm free.

So this is love

The entire month of October passed by without an article or two. I'm still floating, from law school, all the cases and codals, and from my work at the office.

It's a good thing my munchkin is with me. He anchors me.

I don't have to go crazy over everything. He uncomplicates me.

I don't have to be anxious about the future. He stills my restless soul.

So this is how it feels like. Just like what Jodie Foster said in the movie "Contact", "I had no idea. It's so beautiful".

Dear Yvette

It finally happened. I've let go of the things I'm afraid of and made myself vulnerable to another person. It took some time before I decided to enter this state. I over analyzed it, problematized, theorized and nuanced every possible argument. My Ego fought with all its might, not wanting to be subjugated by this overwhelming feeling. A lifetime of letting my Ego rule my heart and look where it brought me.

But now, it's different. It is the most unbelievable feeling, the adrenaline rush of jumping off a cliff, knowing that someone's going to catch you.

It finally happened, Yvette. I'm in love.

Two weeks to go

My fingers are itching to upload my articles and stories gestating in my mind since June. Law school can really stifle the creativity of a person. After October 16, I will be posting my articles and stories regularly.

Truth

Are we condemned to feel inadequate when we hear the good fortune of a gay friend who is deeply involved in a loving a nurturing relationship? Is it inevitable that we feel envious that a guy, someone we don't even know, has a boyfriend and that they are eternally committed to each other. Is the capacity of other gay men to fall in love and stay in love a yardstick with which some of us measure our own capacity to love? If so, are we that insecure?

Does the heart know immediately when it is in love? Is there an overwhelming tide of emotion that washes over ever fiber of a person's being? Is there a gentle tug at his heart or a soft whisper of affirmation? Or does the heart concede to what is convenient and settle for what is stable?

Envy, the green eyed monster that makes you wish you ordered what the guy at the other table has.

I've been here before.

No history, no identity.

White and Orange Roses

I just received 24 white and orange roses from my munchkin. It came with a card and a piece of paper with his poems. I already got the hint that he was up to something when he kept asking if I'm going to leave the office today. He told me that I should just stay. I told him that he shouldn't bother himself and that it was enough for me to see him and be with him, no need for anything else.

Then the roses came.

It came in a huge yellow box. And the guy who delivered the roses was smiling. I guess it was his first time to deliver flowers to a guy instead of a girl. I can't keep myself from smiling and giggling, just like a girl. And all of my officemates commented on how beautiful the roses are and asked who sent them.

"From my munchkin", i said.

Yearning

I’ve often wondered if you find the time to think of me. I ask the question because I find myself not finding a day that I don’t think of you.

We haven’t met. We haven’t seen each other’s face. The words that left your mouth have yet to reach my ears. My gaze has yet to caress your face. The distance of time and space between us, however, has not broken the beating of our hearts. I know that my heart beats for you. And yours for mine.

I proclaim to the world that I’m juggling work, law school, and other productive endeavours that a responsible citizen of this country should be engaged in. And yet, I secretly yearn that you are on your way to me. I take comfort in the fact that you secretly yearn for me as well, hoping that I wouldn’t take too much time before I get to you.

I want you to want to know everything about me. I want you to be strong enough to deal with my honesty. I don’t want to engage in a pissing contest with you. I am not afraid to be weak when I open my mouth to speak. And when I try to be the best, I can still be a little less. I want you to pursue me. I want us to dance.

I am the emotional platform that you can dive from. I can shut the world out and make us the center of the universe. Whisper your fears and I shall shield you from them. Tell me your problems; I will carry the weight with you. Your dreams will be my dreams. Your failures, my hurts. Your triumphs, my joy.

But it seems hopeless. You are taking too long. I feel unsettled, perturbed, the very foundation of my being shaken by this imaginary absence. Your absence. A gaping hole in my entirety.

I go out regularly, meet other men, have beer with them, hoping that one of them maybe you. I fancy them. They fancy me. But it’s always the same. “You’re extremely smart. You’d make a good friend. Can I be your friend?” I have enough friends already.

Intense, that’s how they describe me.

And you are my match.

And you will come to end this need.

Soon, hopefully.

Plea from my heart to you

I’m not going down on my knees
Begging you to adore me
Can’t you see it’s misery
And torture for me

When I’m missunderstood
Try as hard as you can
I’ve tried as hard I could
To make you see
How important it is for me

Here is a plea
From my heart to you
Nobody knows me
As well as you do
You know how hard it is for me
To shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue in situations like these

Some people have to be
Permanently together
Lovers devoted to each other forever
Now I’ve got things to do
And I’ve said before
That I know you have too
When I’m not there
In spirit I’ll be there

Here is a plea
From my heart to you
Nobody knows me
As well as you do
You know how hard it is for me
To shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue in situations like these

Here is a plea
From my heart to you
Nobody knows me
As well as you do
You know how hard it is for me
To shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue in situations like these

Hooverphonic version of "Shake the disease" by Depeche Mode

Long live trip hop!